When you say,”I do.” you never dream there will be a day that ….you,your lover,or both say…”I don’t .” You dream of rocking side by side in a rocking chair sipping on your fresh cup of coffee. You dream of children opening their Christmas presents as the two of you look in enjoying the moment. You dream of tickle fights for years to come. You trust that during sickness he or she will be that one nursing you back to health. Yet, sometimes people decide those dreams aren’t what they want or what they’ll get anymore. They say they don’t love you anymore or maybe you begin to feel you can’t love them. They change who they are and so do you . Sometimes one partner has more fight for the commitment then the other and in turn feels hopeless and alone. Sadly, this realization that a marriage is coming to an end or has ended, is like experiencing a death for everyone. People catch themselves in depression. Men that are divorced or seperation with intent for the big D word, find themselves feeling like failures as men. They experience sterotyping at its cruelest. A man has been told to “suck it up” his whole life and the idea of showing emotions has been taught to be a weakness. Unfortunatly, this is a point in his life, he needs to know it’s okay to grieve. Men are at much higher risk of suicide with a divorce as the trigger. They feel overwhelming shame. They might experience financial pressures. They may catch themselves spiraling out of control as they go through the roller coaster of feelings. They tend to get much less support then females during such events. If we add children to this mix — the fact is, men are not in favor of custody from the rip in most states which leads to more heartbreak . They no longer feel broken from loosing a spouse but now they feel they are loosing their children too. Weekends or every other is a slap in the face to the man who came home for homework with their son and cheerleading with their daughter. This man who helped his boy learn to ride a bike now only gets a tiny portion of his time to bond and teach his son. It crushes him. Divorced men are over forty percent more prone to commit suicide than married men. Widowed males are fifty percent more likely to take their lives. If you know someone is feeling hopeless and they have nothing left to live for, please reach out to them. On top of reaching out, get them help even if they are kicking and screaming if you can. In WV and Ohio, it takes two family members to commit a person in such times. They do offer evaluation by law enforcement however, the law isn’t well enough trained for these evaluations during a mental hygiene check . (My opinion)…I encourage anyone feeling this way to call 1-800-273-talk and to check out some of my blogs on self -love. Anyone who knows a loved one going through a rough patch, I encourage you to check on them more. At our lowest points, that’s when we need people the most. Signs someone may be thinking of suicide include: giving away things they enjoy, using drugs and alcohol more, withdrawing from true friends, withdrawing from family ,sleeping more or less, extreme changes in moods and behaviors, doing up a will or making funeral arrangements, taking care of themselves and their responsibilities less or not at all, thrill seeking and risky behaviors,saying things like : “the pain will be over before too long”, or ” I just want to sleep forever”,and so on. If you’re unsure—-Ask. Some will deny the thoughts because they don’t think they want stopped or because they are ashamed …However, some will find the courage to admit their mindset. Ask the person whom you are concerned about questons. Ask: How do you plan to? Red Zone Danger Alert: A plan. It’s much more serious if they’ve got a plan. Again, they may have one and deny. Talk to this person and discuss their life problems. Most importantly, get them some help! Divorce and breakups in general are hard. A person doesn’t see a light when in this mindset. They don’t see past the depression and loss.
Divorce rate for first time marriages are devastatingly near fifty percent. You’d think the odds for success go up with a second marriage but sadly not. Second marriage divorce rates are near 70%. No matter if it’s the first marriage, a long term relationship split,or the tenth marriage —pain is real. Depression is real. Loss is real. Feelings or loss —depression :lack of ambition,sadness,shame,shock, and guilt go together naturally. Anger,resentment, jealousy of a potential new boo and not believing others understand or care —is common. Anxiety:fearing the unknown….common with depression associated with this divorce. A person may feel their whole identity is lost. They may not feel they know themselves . While men are known to have deeper depression during divorce then women, women also can experience depression and suicidal thoughts. Men mourn later in the process then women do. Women mourn right away. Men do not.
Remember, you or your loved one, was a person before meeting this spouse.
You had goals.
You or they had dreams.
You or they may of made mistakes but no one person is 100% innocent in any relationship.
You or they may be in pain but God has purpose for you.
Encourage others in pain to pray. If you’re in pain ,pray . Pray for God’s strength to get you through each and every day.
Take a deep breath in and out. Ya feel that ? You feel your heart beating ? You’re alive and you have an opportunity to help others. Focus on getting better and then be there for another. Everyone likes to think they need nobody..yet humans desire humans in life…Deep down, we all want someone…A friend.
You’ve lost something big, a marriage. You lost a person that was part of that marriage . It’s fine to grive. Don’t allow yourself to be in a rut there. Don’t be cold and distant to those who reach out with open arms . We all need someone to care and if someone is reaching, they do. I know ya may feel nobody does, but entertain the idea that just maybe there are good hearts who see good in you.
Now, assignment two….
Write a “Hello” letter.
A “Hello” letter includes : All the things you are freaking glad ya don’t have to tolerate anymore now that this marriage or relationship has come to an end.
Come on….we all always have some…or maybe tons!
In this letter, write about the things you now get to look forward to!
We again all have things that we can have and want once we think about it.
Take your time and put effort into this letter .
“I no longer will be called crazy by you.”
“I have more money to do things I love like travel. ”
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