I had overcame my self-esteem issues I’d thought. I didn’t realize that my self-esteem also included feeling wanted, appreciated,and loved…
I found myself rather attractive physically .
I thought I offered something to a partner worth value.
I just didn’t feel the world seen me for me.
I didn’t feel anyone ever truly cared or loved me...
Honestly, this battle is a battle I’m still working on within myself. I believe some people love and care more than others. It’s us that often feel so alone, uncared for, and not truly loved in return…
I recognize this issue within myself and it’s been an ongoing journey to finding self-love as a whole.
See, I had been betrayed by every person I had let in my heart. I’d had family speak poorly of me. I had partners cheat on me and even leave me,only to date my own siblings. I had broken promises of ” I’ll always be there ” and I had people hurt me to the point I’d contemplated suicide to end the pain .
I had never fully understood people’s reasons for the pain I endured. I began this journey days after considering taking my own life.
It wasn’t that I didn’t feel pretty…It was I didn’t feel people seen who I am or love the person I am . I didn’t feel I would get loyalty I’d given out so freely. I didn’t feel the people in this world was ever going to do much more than hurt me..
Maybe I was right or maybe I was wrong . I took the little bit of me fighting to live still, and I made her get busy!
If for no other reason, maybe I could help another, I told myself.
I began reading books and articles through my tears. I reached out to people hoping for friends who loved me to prove it. I became a bit needy I must say. . But, I was left feeling disappointed and alone by people yet again .
I have to fix me, I told myself …still battling within my own brain for the courage to help myself even if noone was by my side.
I made a personal post to Facebook and got remarks that erked me to my core but, I knew they just had to of meant well…right?
I held onto hope that if I could just fix me, maybe I could help someone else.
I didn’t realize that these were two seperate tasks at the beginning….so I got even more broken trying to help others and again find someone who cared .
Finally, it hit me as I sat unable to sleep and crying uncontrollably.
To help anyone else, I had to fix me.
Maybe someone did care but maybe they didn’t truly understand how bad off I was…how broken…or how little fight was left…
Or maybe they were just broken too…What if they didn’t feel wanted,appreciated,accepted, cared for or loved..
What if my rock bottom was brining them down so they couldn’t be near me?
So, I set on a mission to fix me therefore save me.
Then maybe helping others would follow….
But right now, I have to make me a priority even if I don’t see a way or reason .
So, I began with five questions.
These five questions I wrote on notebook paper. I sat there zooming through most of my answers. Then, the last three—-those were harder because doubt creeped in. I took a deep breath, “I must ..I just must. ” I told my broken self.
The five questions follow and I’d like to ask each person reading this to also do these questions.
Maybe you’ll zoom through them. Maybe you’ll struggle . Maybe you will gain a tiny bit of strength as they did me.
If nothing else —to the doubters —
What could it hurt?
1)What do I offer as a friend or family member ?
(Ya can’t use my answers now…so I’ll save them for the end)
2) How do I make other people’s lives better?
3)Do I make people in my life feel that they are cared about and/or loved?
4)Do I make the people in my life feel supported?
5)Do I contribute to their happiness?
(Do these before proceeding please)
Did ya do all five questions?
Don’t cheat yourself ….
Don’t cheat me…..
You can do them.
Okay, so I hope you did all five. I hope you took your time to think hard on each question and answer…..
Mine were as follows:
1-loyal/dedicated/keep secrets/don’t speak bad on friends,caring/big hearted,empathetic to others,funny-get almost everyone cracking up or smiling,and normally a great at written communication and not shabby on verbal.
2-being there emotionally and physically during hard times or bad days, make others smile and laugh ,keep the secrets I’m told,great at listening to them,try to uplift their spirits with my humor/words of wisdom/and charm
3- I believe I make it clear I do care a lot and love…
4- I believe I am very supportive and it shows..
5- I believe I can contribute to other people’s happiness…
**Fun fact: All these 5 questions mention things we want in partners**
Now, here comes the assignment I’ve done and still do…I pass over to you :
Self talk assignment : Look in a mirror as you brush your teeth in morning or at night time and state three things you offer as a friend,family member, and lover. Repeat them until confidence is in your voice and you feel it. Do this nightly or every morning,with three new things. Write them later . You can use a journal or sticky note.
Remind yourself before you call it completed , each day:
Anyone would be blessed to have a person who offers all I do. If a person doesn’t see my value, they have truly missed out majorly!
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Suggestion: Keep a notebook just for your assignments.
Until next time..