As a child I was thrown into states custody to top off the abuse of the people whom swore to love me.. I learned quickly the worst of the world and I learned how to not only survive, but excel in the environments I was tossed to. I knew my choices to not end my relationship with my birth mother and siblings was one that would cost me greatly along the way. I don’t regret the choice but know life was much harder than I would of had it. I personally faced more challenges, pain,and learned to watch because monsters were always real. I guess, a part of me felt satisfied, I wasn’t letting go of this dream to be a real family with my blood relatives ..
I knew then what I was giving up was best for me but without a chance to have a relationship with these people I called my family, I picked the harder road for myself. If I had a redo, I’d probably considered my heaven over my hell that’d never end however, I know I’d have to pick the same to be the woman I’m now. I just think it may be a harder battle to not choose heaven, knowing how my journey would go..I refused some great potential families because I wanted to be apart of my own. I had to try. So, I choose hell and facing monsters for the years to come. I survived,scars worn internally masked by a pretty smile remains..
In adulthood, I moved hrs away to be with these people whom were basically strangers to me. I knew they were mine though , my blood ….My “family”..My family would show me a new kind of hell. The hell of loving and giving all I had to get hurt and mistreated. I’d dreamed of being close to them and being accepted. Truth is, never ever have I been nor will I ever be…Reality hurts. I’m the woman with scars forcing myself to try. I’m the one who went through hell to get more hell from these people who claimed to love me .
Tear stained cheeks only reminded me of the traumatic situations that landed me in the system of the state of WV. It reminded me how I sacrificed so greatly and risked my life even,and ultimately it was to be taken for granted .
It amazes me how I’m the outcast and never truly wanted around. I’m the one disrespected and taken advantage of . I’m the last on the list of favorites. I’m the last picked for anything. I am however, the one who everyone uses to fall on if they need a place to stay or a ride. Beyond that, I’ve been handy for money. Everyone knew my idea of family would make me easy to use. Beyond that, I wasn’t worthy of being around.
It’s so hard to explain to anyone who hadn’t been on the path I’d been, with the shoes on my feet. …
I thought family was best friends,protectors , guides , and the rock when you need help standing …
Yet, again I stood alone …still do. I’ve never had so much horrible things happen to me and someone felt I owed them anything . Never had I allowed this kind of disgusting behavior without reacting and I battle my demons more than anyone gets with it. I’m not being the girl locked up using her fists easily to demand respect ,but I also feel it gets worse because I’m not being more like her….
That girl didn’t get robbed…
Talked about…least they dared not let me find out. .
Females didn’t come after my man without neck casts or something they’d never forget….allegedly. …They knew I’d come full force to any betraying me.
Yet, here I sit, and I’m not sure I can be that person anymore who is: talked about, lied on,robbed, and disrespected repeatedly anymore. I never should of been in that position to start with. It hurts me since I dreamed of this whole “family” thing since I was a child. I just dreamed of it with different ingredients than what I’ve been handed. I dreamed of a family being so understanding, empathetic, caring,compassion in magnitude, and so beautiful. I thought of family as a blessing to my life. I seen it as this amazing thing so much so that I sacrificed and I endured more, so I could get it. . . Yet, here I sit feeling I’ve been tricked and that it was just another dimension to break me down through a different type of hell. Here I sit feeling because I’ve held the idea of family so high, I’ve been treated like I’m a wimp, weakling, or in terms a b***h. I battle my demons and I’m battling hard lately. I guess I’m coming to a crossroads. When do I love myself more? When’s it enough? Is this hell going to end if I stay? I have given me and gotten back hell so is it time forget the code I had created for an idea of what family was? Is retaliation my only way to be respected now? Should I just cut my losses and walk away for good? The choices I’m facing are less choices in my view…It kills me inside but it’s one sided and I’m tired of this life being more hell.
- I ask you now, what is family?
- Have you cut ties with any of yours?
- Do you believe in codes or something like that in relationships with friends or family?
- What’s your views? I’d love to hear back from you!